Today, The Devil Has Won.
Today: I feel numb
I don’t know where it’s coming from.
but it’s all too familiar a feeling and I’m hoping it’s not here to stay
Today: I’m mad, and I don’t know why
but when I give gratitude a try it’s overrun by this anger in the back of my mind
This anger that’s always had its way.
Today: I’m not too keen on faith.
I just can’t face the craziness of the doctrines I embrace.
Faith seems more like folly, belief like child’s play
Today: I’m doubting my whole self
as if my entire life was a lie perpetuated by everybody else
and nothing helps, not even when I pray.
Today: The world seems dark
but the quietness is the hardest part
this numbness has made its mark,
this darkness has had its say
Tomorrow: They say there will be joy again
new mercies for me to take in
but I don’t know if that’s truth or wishful thinking
because for a long time I’ve been sinking
deep into an abyss
wondering if the bliss I now miss was just wrongfully borrowed.
Tomorrow: I promise to make a change
but everything seems the same.
And I still feel these pains
Why does the pain remain
can I not be free from sorrow?
I can’t fake a good testimony anymore because I’m hurting
if faith is supposed to make me something new it’s not working
unless what I thought was faith at first was just fear stirring.
Maybe it’s never been real, and I’ve been an imposter all along.
Maybe all this time I thought I was growing, I was wrong.
Maybe I thought I was playing with the band, but I never knew the song.
I can’t give you a silver lining to end this piece
Because maybe it doesn’t end in victory.
Maybe it ends in defeat.
Written in March, 2016. It was a dark time, and I was stressed out about a lot of things. I tend to go through periods of doubt when that happens, and when I’m not getting a lot of sleep. I got through it, and I got a poem out of it. So, it did get a silver lining in the end.